Une promenade au Québec

Oh sweet Canada. Remember the days when we could make fun of the Canadian dollar? Remember how when you would buy books it would say something like, US$5.99, CAN$6.99. Now, since the exchange rate between the USD and the CAN is 1USD = 1.11 CAN, that means that we merely get 10% things and that most everything is, in fact, more expensive in Canada. [Note: you can still make fun of the Canadian accent and Mounties. What's that aboot?]

Anyway, since it seems like I have yet another summer before I have to do anything, why not enjoy it with a road trip?

I've never done a road trip before... I've never been in a car for more than 8 hours, and that was last year from New Orleans to Atlanta (and it was not exactly a delight). Sooooo I don't know if this road tripping thing is going to work, butttttttt I figure, I can always bail and fly back.

The plan is to meet my friend in Cincinnati, where together, we're attending a Catholic wedding. I'm still trying to figure out a clever way to abbreviate Cincinnati. I tried - Sinsin, but it's just too hard to say. He says, Cincinnati should be called the Nasty Natty, but when I heard that, I think of Natty Light, which is for sure, the nastiest of all Nattys. Cinny? ehhh.. Forget about it. Here's our plan of travel:

START: July 10

END: July 20

Don't worry, I'm not planning on spending any more time in Detroit that I have to. I just want to see where culture goes to die... and that MGM Casino, where the poor have a venue to lose money they don't have. YAY!

We're daytripping to Detroit, crossing the border to Toronto, where I will conquer my fear of heights at the CN tower and see Canadian stuff that hopefully can be mistaken for Europe lite. Then, Quebec - I heard the people are nasty, but the food - I'm praying that I can get some beef bourguignon in my mouth while I tour along the St. Lawrence. After our international drive, we're going to cut down through Boston, stop in NYC, and end in Washington, DC.

Where else is there to go? Give me a heads up if you're going to be in any of these cities this summer.

Summer Travel Plans, Part Asia

After the Foreign Service Exam on June 10, I plan on taking a quick trip to Asia. I think maybe I've told my friends that I'm going to China about 4 separate times this year, but this time I mean it. Ironically, since blogspots are blocked in China, no one who is there can see this. Anyway - this is the plan:

Itinerary and (Food and Shopping) Goals, obvi you should drop me a comment if you think I'm forgetting to buy something. I will be constantly updating this list.



1Atlanta to Shanghai: See Yaya, Katie, Carolena and buy about 7 pairs of glasses and frames, and.... see the Bund and the tallest building in the world, perhaps meet up with Shivali!

2Shanghai to Beijing: Train. Visit.... Hayes, Auggie, errrr Silk Market, Pearl Market, YaShow, 松子sushi buffet!, that Brazilian place that I didn't go to because I came back after Spring, that French place that had amazing escargo, Pure Lotus

3Beijing to Taipei: FAM and DELICIOUS FOOD, including Modern Toilet Restaurant where all the food looks like poopies.

4Taipei to Tokyo: Yasu and Keiko, if she still loves me. Plus, okonomiyaki.

Departure date?: TBA! June 15?ish

I CAN'T WAIT.

Mary Poppins

PURE GOLD.

GOD, I've always loved Mary Poppins.... and FML and Arrested Development are amazing. AD, a lot more so. FML, being a website fully dependent on the posts populated by over-sharing strangers....

P.S. If you're not in America and can't see Hulu.com, I offer you this Youtube video, which isn't as good for substitute. If you're in China and can't see either, then you can't see my blog so you're just shit out of luck.



Go to 16 sec mark.

Ab Fab

Not only an awesome Britcom, but if you're interested in fitness, these are quick and easy to do as well.




All images are courtesy of FitSugar.com. Love the site.

A Call to Arms

With each passing day in the South, the temperature rises and the urge to wear sleeveless shirts becomes an increasing temptation...and with this temptation comes an increased probability that I will be seeing my fears come into view.

Arms.

I have an arms phobia. Not guns, not weapons, especially not WMDs, but arms, the connective bit between the shoulder and hands. More specifically, FAT, FLABBY ARMS. Nothing frightens me more. It's a fear because I'm constantly afraid that I have them.

I've done less than natural poses in order to avoid having the appearance of flabby arms. If you're in a sorority, I'm sure you're familiar with the hip-pop, hand-on-hip pose that is common in photos where there are two or more people. Sometimes this preventative measure can look a little unnatural or somehow displaced in an effort to prevent arm flab from showing. Regardless, it's worth doing, for this way, no one can know how big your arm might actually be. Sometimes I find myself staring at peoples' arms in horror. I'm not sure what the proper proportions are supposed to be, like.. in relation to head size, arm size, torso size, but I just go by what I like to call the Renaissance Fair Test. If your arm looks like it's larger than the X-X-L turkey legs that you can buy at the Renaissance Fair, also known as the alien legs that you can buy at Disney World... then your arm is undesirable to me.

Once I saw a woman whose arm was so big that it was all but consuming her elbow. All that was left was a little space, like her arm's last ditch efforts to gasp for air. This image still sends shivers down my spine.

In honor of this irrational fear that I have, I've posted some exercises from FitSugar.com that can help those of you that might possess arms that you wish to tone in honor of summer.



Feel free to click to enlarge.

Danny Gokey: Putting the GO in Gokey, Putting the D in Douchebag

Watch Idolatry first.

My comments: Wow, Danny Gokey is a poor speaker.

After listening to 30 mins of Danny Gokey speak, I realized that he speaks almost entirely trashy cliches.

"I had to change something up..." "I was.. I was.. heated." "I wanna just like, storm off the stage - ferget this crap!"..."We gettin' down wit da music." "What do you got to say?" " I ain't gonna lie..."

My translations: "I had to change something."..."I was consumed by my frustration." "It made me want to give up what I was doing and storm off stage" "We enjoy the music." "What do you have to say?" "I'm not gonna lie..."

Michael Slezak obviously had to restrain Kristen Baldwin from stabbing Danny Gokey in the heart, or so I assume.

Danny Gokey and I could never be friends because other than the fact that he can sing, there's nothing. From this point on, I promise to never mention him again.

包 Wow! Making Baozi (包子), SUCCESS!

This is a not yet steamed baozi (包子!). Inside hides some tasty delights.

lonely bun!

Yeasty buns filled with savory meats and veggies, they are steamed to perfection and can be eaten whenever you want! In China, baozi are commonly eaten for breakfast, although I have eaten baozi at every hour of the day. Now that I live in Georgia and baozi are not as easily accessible as they were in Beijing [shoutout to that baozi man that made amazing baozi!], I begged my grandmother who has always made the best, delicious baozi to show me how to make them!

There are two major parts in making these baozi. The filling and the dough - it takes forever!
The filling is composed of chopped bokchoy, pork, clear noodles, green onion, shitake mushrooms that have been stirfried with onion. The bokchoy is washed and soaked in salt before it is strained of moisture and chopped and diced. Shitake mushroom diced and stirfried with onion to bring out the flavor before all three are combined with the raw pork. The clear noodles need be chopped into small bits. The purpose of the clear noodles are to soak up the excess moisture inside the bun when it steams so that the inside isn't soupy. Soupy buns are delicious, but dry ones can be just as tasty without being excessively fatty. Soupy buns can also explode all over your shirt and ruin clothes - maybe that's just me? It should look something like this as it's waiting to be wrapped!

this would be delicious, if it were not raw.

The dough is a simple flour and water plus yeast that mostly just takes time (4 hours) to rise. Then, you cut and roll the dough out into small flat circles that are about 4 inches in diameter with centers that are slightly thicker than around, so that the meat won't wa. I raced my grandmother in being able to roll the dough out faster than she could wrap it.

yes i know these aren't round circles. they should be. should!

After they're wrapped, we put them in a waiting zone because we could only steam 10 at a time for 25 mins each.

包 wow! steam us up!

After their 25 mins sauna experience, they become big and puffy marshmellow poofy cuties! This is them right out of the steamer!:


We put them in a rack and let them cool before eating them.

grandmother, as she is taking them and putting them on the rack.

Here is the inside of one of the experimental batches. The more we made, the bigger and fluffier the baozi became! I hope you enjoyed looking at these pictures because I enjoyed making 50 of these baozi in an all day food-speriment with my grandmother... and eating these yum baozis.

click to ZOOM!

Headband that I made for Kat!

I'm not really sure what to say about this headband, except for the fact that it's pretty awesome. I made it in a moment of clarity for my friend Kat, who has pretty blue eyes and is kindred spirits with me in our love of Gossip Girl. It's a risky creation, but if anyone should be able to pull it off, it's her.

A few other friends have ordered some from me, but I still get some sort of weird impression that people think that I'm giving these away for free. That's NOT happening. The second I started making them again, people wanted me to give them away. I can't afford to do that, I don't know why people would think that I could have time to make them, give them away, and just be happy with that warm feeling that fills me up from doing a good deed? Seriously?

Give me $10 and I will happily make as many as you want me to. Just know that I do not give my stuff away for free :) Don't be ridiculous. You have a job, I do not.

Is there a reason why I'm so obsessively attracted to luxe vacuum cleaners?

Witness, Exhibit A:


Then, Exhibit B:

I'm not the cleanest person by far but I'm driven by this unholy need to vacuum things. Seeing my own (black) hair on the floor disturbs me to distraction and nothing makes me feel better than a spotless floor. I just feel like I can breathe more freely, you know? It's sick. In my last year in college, I used to vacuum 3x a week. I would sit up at night and wish that my roommates wouldn't go to bed so early so that it would be okay for me to vacuum at 11.30pm at night.

Owning a Dyson is a dream of mine. Bagless and endless suction? *coo* I just can't sanction spending over 500$ on a vacuum. The Hoover platinum vacuums seen nice. At a much lower pricing point, I can get a wireless, rechargable ion-battery powered vacuum for no more than $150. This is obviously what I'm going to return my Nintendo DS for. My bagless wonder still has suction but it's connected to a power source that's just cramping my style. I obvi need to be rocking this hot new cordless vac. It's just suspicious to me how Dyson can be so much more expensive. This topic is obviously worth updating.

Apologies for the lack of postage

Dear Readers,

I've recently embarked on a short journey toward taking the Foreign Service Officer Test. You might have already noticed a slight drop-off in my blogging, but I will endeavor to post more: perhaps teach you facts on American Government and History? Oooo just want you've always wanted. My test date is on June 10, so until then, I should be busier than usual.

P.S. Play on Postage - obviously you know that I was talking about the posting frequency, but can I PLEASE complain on the price of postage? After a recent trip to the post office, only to discover that stamps are 44 cents each now... who uses snail mail when it's so expensive?


:( I remember the days when stamps were 29 cents and totally affordable. This is not to mention the complete inefficiency of the post office, having only 2 people working while 20 people wait in line. In addition, my post office took away the stamp vending machines, so you can't get postage unless you stand in line. Ridiculo!

I've Got [all the wrong] Male

I find that I've hit a particularly low point in my life where I've had conversations with four types of males: married, creepers, 7th graders and Trader Joe's cashiers. What they all have in common? They are taller than me.

No, the men that I'm talking about don't look like this. Henry Cavill, you are a D-LIGHT.

Let's talk about the first one. Well, there's my father, then there's my friend's husband.... and my other friend's husband....... OH GOD. I don't hate love, I don't hate love. I don't hate love.

The second one. I actually enjoy talking to creepers and pushing them as far as I can tolerate. Usually, my boundaries are pretty extensive, so I can shame them into retreating, but the other night, it was just too much and I had to back down. I was ending my night at 5Paces, the fratty bar in Buckhead. Don't ask me how I got there, because it truly wasn't my choice. Since all we were going to were fratty bars for the night -I made an ultimatum: no male was going to engage me in conversation unless they were in possession of a little undeniable thing called YELLOW FEVER. They can't help it, they're ragin' for AZNs. Sadly, it takes them a while, if they're drunk to realize that I can hardly fulfill their fantasies of overtaking some FOB that doesn't know any better. So back to 5Paces. It's 2 AM, the bar is supposed to be closing, it's raining slightly. My friend and I are making our way down the back porch stairs and we are stopped by two country boys. I assume they want my friend, who is tall blonde and leggy. Instead, they are talking to me. ooooooo I relish in taking them on. I'm far from sober, but I can definitely see what is before my eyes. Two country boys in their mid-20s who could be 30 for all I care. They're drunk and don't care what they do, they want to bone tonight! Here goes our conversation:

Him: Hey, where do you think you're going? Come back and talk to me!
Me [playing along]: I'm going home.
Him: Where's home?
Me [thinking about where I could say, as far as possible...]: Stone Mountain.
Him: Oh, that's far. Why don't you crash with me instead?
Me: (I'm not speaking) I'm laughing.

BLAHBLAHBLAH

Him: What kind of Asian are you?
Me: What kind of Asian do you want me to be?
Him: Don't tell me you're Filipino?
Me: I'm not
My friend interrupts: She's 100% Chinese!
Him: I've always like Chinese girls!
Me: YAY! (Jackpot!)

BLAHBLAHBLAH

(After we find out that we're from neighboring high schools, he and his friend talk about their glory days. They are 4 years older than me and I've already forgotten their names. He turns back to me and smiles charmingly/smarmy-ly)
Him: So what are ya'll doing after this? You should come over to my place.
Me: I can't, I have Mother's Day tomorrow.
Him: Me too, we can ride home together.
Me: Uhhhh.. [I walk away]

So, I don't know exactly how to extricate myself from creeper conversations yet, but I think they get the hint that I'm not interested.

Part Three would be the 7th graders, on the third to last day of school, on Field Day. Yay. I'm a substitute to classes where the boy to girl ratio is about 19:4. At least 7th grade girls are just bitchy-back-stabbing trash-talkers. Seventh grade boys are taller than me, louder than me, and make me remember that I cannot touch a child. I walk in and all I have to do is turn on a movie, how hard could it be? I turn off the lights and the kids go nuts. They're wrestling, choking each other, going to other classrooms, throwing scarves. Anything physical, they like it. I don't understand why they can't sit still for just 1 hour and 40 mins and watch the damn Narnia movie that I was planning to.
I had to come to a lot of fake disciplinary measures, including: standing up and writing random shit on a note pad, to make them think that I'm writing their names down, pointedly death staring at a kid while he's punching another one [ I want to discipline them, but then I also want to laugh. ], and turning on the lights and yelling at them.

Them: We can't see the movie.
Me: I can see you. I don't care about the movie. You forced me to make a choice.
Them: We can't see the movie.
Me: Stop touching each other, and I'll turn the lights back down.
*snicker snick snick snicker*
I turn the lights back off.
They start up again.
I say to them: I swear, by this age, I would think that you would want to touch girls, not each other.
They laugh again and ignore me.

Some of these boys are trying to be cool, but I can tell that they're actually sweet and interested while being mean to each other and blatantly ignoring me. Isn't that what all girls think about boys?

The last part of my complaint includes the cashier men at Trader Joe's. I find that usually the man population at TJ's and Whole Foods is pritty fiiine and so when I go shopping, I try to dress accordingly. Unfortunately, I seem to attract the attention of the cashiers. I don't have a usual cashier, so what does it mean when they profess to know me, that I seem familiar? Why couldn't the cute boy that was buying his mother flowers for Mother's Day have asked me out instead?

So..... yeah. If you look like this:

Call me.

A Study on Mariah: you WAS on fiyah

After listening to a few of Mariah's songs lately, a betraying thought crossed my mind. Is this even that good? Is Mariah a goddess of music like Celine or Whitney? All I can recall in recent memory is Mariah randomly marrying Nick Cannon.

That why it's time to go back in time. Starting with 1990 and remembering EXACTLY WHY Mariah Carey is incredible.


Click any of the following:

Pro: Mariah as Legend

Emotions
My All
Always Be My Baby: This song embodies all that is pure, light and beautiful about Mariah Carey. Hello, childhood.
One Sweet Day
Vision of Love

Con: Mariah Mistaken

Loverboy Remix Feat. Ludacris, Da Brat



This song was on the Glitter album, right before Mariah's nervous breakdown and her subsequent break with Virgin Records. Thank God. Click if you want to see Mariah's T and A.

Don't Stop (Funkin' 4 Jamaica) feat. Mystikal - REALLY?



Jesus Christ. Everyone makes mistakes.

Conclusion?

Mariah was my childhood. I will always love the Mariah of her glory days.

Norma's, Nino's and Seredipity III, Oh My!

Yesterday, on Stephen Colbert's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert dines and "dashes" on some of the most famous four figure meals in NYC. Colbert "does his part to keep the industry alive."

At Norma's at Le Parker Meridien Hotel, he tastes the Zillion Dollar Lobster Frittata. According to Luxurylaunches.com, "the breakfast dish rolls in six eggs, the tail of a roasted Maine Lobster, 10 ounces of Sevruga caviar, all priced for a $1,000. The caviar used in the Zillion Dollar Frittata supposedly comes from the Caspian Sea sturgeon and retails for $80-$170 an ounce." Doesn't this look like a better way to spend $1k USD than burning it as firewood?

Colbert uses the bathroom run as an excuse to dash on the check.

Then he heads over to Nino's. Nino's Bellissima Pizza has a $1,000 pizza, the Mamma Mia, which is composed of (12") thin crust topped with caviar, lobster, creme fraiche and chives. If that lobster and caviar from breakfast wasn't enough, then you should eat this for lunch! He asks about the pizza, "Does this come with crazy bread? If you think about it, any bread you serve with a $1000 pizza would be crazy." After tasting it, he tells Nino that "this is one of the best 1,000 pizzas that I've ever had....Right up there."

For dessert, Stephen Colbert goes to Serendipity III, like the movie, to finish his food-sploration. He has the Golden Opulence Sundae, costing $1000.
Consisting mostly of 24k gold power, paper 24k gold, and imported chocolate, vanilla, fruits, nuts, all made of money.....then, Stephen Colbert covers his face in gold foil. It is amazing. Please watch the clip.

Are you craving what I'm craving?

If you're craving the Chinese answer to sweet tea - then you're psychic and amazing. It's like sweet tea, but less sweet, more tea. Kind of like Brisk Ice tea but somehow more tasty. I will obvi need to be going to Chinatown soon to see if I can get my hands on some of these.

I used to drink these every day in China. If you're in China, drink one for me and tell me how good it is!

Te Amo American Idol

I've never been so obsessed with a season in my life. Once a week, I check Idolatry. Michael Slezak's word is the Word. I read blogs about Idol, I've watched Idol online, I listen to Kris Allen in my spare time. Repeatedly, like.... along the same vein as girls (errr.. me again.) listen to Justin Timberlake. I've had entire dinner conversations about American Idol, my Tuesdays nights are always booked. I've laid out in the sun to talk about American Idol for 40 mins. It's sick, lowbrow, and PURE AMERICANA.

I hate Danny Gokey more than a person should hate someone they've never met. UGH. This is the last time I will ever mention his name.

I've never been happier about Kris Allen beating out what's-his-name to make the finals with Glambert!

Please listen to Heartless:



He's such a brilliant singer! Not a large range, but that crooked paralysis face is pure gold. I would blog about more interesting things like headbands, but I can't seem to think about anything else! Deal with it, I love traaash! (Order headbands from me!)

Here is the studio version:

Headlines worth reading: 60 foot penis found on roof!

Thank you, BBC for showing me the lighter side of life. I'll quote this article word-for-word as it's less than 100 words long.

"An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling."

I wondered of quite a few things when I read this article. First, I thought about how obnoxious the British are when they are spelling traveling. Two Ls? Really. Is that necessary?

Then, I wondered if the 60 ft penis has devalued their million pound property. Not that the weakened British pound hasn't naturally diminished the house in the world market, but then what hasn't diminished in value, other than the Chinese Yuan?

Why is BBC telling is the length of the penis in feet? Doesn't everyone but the USA use meters but us?

... and lastly, when he scrubs it off, it will surely be the longest handjob given to a 60ft cock. :-D HEE

Justin and Britney, did they have sex?

Did anyone ever wonder this but me? I used to think it was possible that the two of them, pop superstars wearing matching denim could be dating but virgins, but then, I was 12 and retarded.

They are totally boning. Seriously, do you see Britney and that body?

Justin admits it in third person, as an ancestor of his past talking about the future, actually talking about his past on SNL. Watch and see.



He's kind of a douche, but charismatic - in his words, not mine. I'd hit it.

Zachary Quinto in Hot Trek

Please watch this hilarious Hulu, Access Hollywood interview for Star Trek with Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. Who is being interviewed? The interviewer is so much in awe and so awkward, that it seems like the two interviewees are actually making fun of the interviewer.

Chris Pine tries to be engaging, but he doesn't care. Zachary Quinto is intelligent and beautiful. They both look to be slightly hungover and think that this interviewer is a hilarious dork.



Check out 3 mins 5 secs and the look on Pine and Quinto's faces! 3 min 43 secs until the end of the clip! LOVE THESE BOYS. I like how Quinto's voice gets high in the end. I think it's really sexy and I don't know why!

Happy Mother's Day: Justin Timberlake on SNL

Again, he has proved that he's funny and clever.



Correction: JUST as good as Dick in a Box, sick and hilarious. "It would be my honor to be your new step-father."

FYI: The mothers are Patricia Clarkson and Susan Sarandon!

these are the exact lyrics:

i typed them because i listened it to it 100x

oh damn
what is it dog
i forgot it's mothers day
didn't get a gift for her, other plans got in the way
she'll be so disappointed, damn i forgot it too
this could have been avoided
what the hell are we gonna do?
my mom's been so alone ever since my daddy left, cold
no one to hold her tight, life has put her through the test
i know just what you mean, my mom's been so sad and gray, word, my dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away, HOLD UP,
you thinkin' what i'm thinkin,, i'm thinkin' i think it too. SLO' UP, what time is it dog, it's time for a switcheroo
we both love our moms, women with real women needs
i say we break em off, show em what we really mean.
cause i'm a motherlover, you're a motherlover,
we should fuck each other's mothers, fuck each others moms.
i'll push in that way where you came out as a baby, ain't no doubt this shit is crazy
fuck each other mom's
cause every mother's day needs a mother's night, if doin' it is wrong, id on't want to be right.
i'm calling on you because i can't do it myself.
to me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover.
i'll be laying on the bed waiting for you mom clutching on these lube and roses
i've got my digital camera, i'ma make your momma do a million poses,
they will be so surprised, we are so cool and thoughtful
cant wait to pork your mom, i'ma be the syrup, she can be the waffle.
sho' nuff,
my momma loves bubble bath with camomile
straight up,
give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-d-d-doggie style
this is a perfect plan for a perfect mothers day
they'll have to rename this one, all-up-under-the-cover's day
cuz i'm a mother lover, you're a mother lover,
we should fuck each other's mothers, fuck each others moms
i'll push in that way where you came out as a baby, ain't no doubt this shit is crazy
fuck each other mom's
break it down
it would be my honor to be your new step father
it would be my honor to be your new stepfather
and while you're in my mother, make me another brother
and while i'm in your mother, i'll never use a rubber.
cause every mother's day needs a mother's night, if doin' it is wrong, i don't want to be right.
i'm calling on you because i can't do it myself.
to me you're like a brother, so be my mother lover.
they blessed us both with the gift of life,
she brought you in this world so i'ma sex her right
this is the second best idea that we ever had
the choice can be no other, be my mother lover
happy mother's day.

WORK, part IV, end and notes

By the end of the day, I had run out of Smarties.

I had lightly argued with that Chinese kid from third period about why I couldn't give him any more candies because there wouldn't be enough for the rest of the other kids.

I had shown favoritism and taught only to the highest level of thinkers.

I confessed to the students that while I hoped they scored well on the test on Monday, it really wasn't my concern.

I had to ask this one boy to stop spinning on a chair in the front of the room because he was about to kick me.

I actually said, "If you could be quiet, it would be nice," while drawing out the ssssss in nice.

I told one boy that he got a problem wrong, someone else called him stupid and he agreed with it. I told him he wasn't stupid, just that the problem was wrong.

I heard one girl call another teacher a bitch and wondered if it were true. Dirty mouth, but who doesn't have one?

A boy made fun of another girl for being poor and not being able to buy lunch. She retorted that actually there just wasn't credit on her account and she didn't realize it. His response was, "'cuz you're poor."

I taught a boy whose older brother I knew when I was in high school.

One boy was wearing a French soccer jersey, which led me to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about Zinedine Zidane.

There were no hot teachers next door.

I was told I was the best sub everrrrrr 5 times. I left the school with a big head, swollen leg, and a smile. I love substitute teaching.

WORK, part III, third period, with lunch

This period was much like the last with the exception of a Chinese student who was equally trying to suck up to me, yet show me that he was smarter than me. He thanked me for correctly pronouncing his name, a task that no teacher had done before on the first try. Later, he corrected my Chinese, asking me, Should 是 be pronounce SHI not SI? I was like, damn I'm Taiwanese and had flashbacks of my time in Beijing flash before my eyes.

I was ending each period of mini lessons in Chinese and Latin, two languages that I had experience in introducing. I cited my SAT score as positive for learning Latin, while warning that if they do take Latin in high school, that it IS a dead language and virtually useless, something I learned sadly, after I took four years of Latin and Loved it. JCL PRESIDENT 2004, bitchesssss! This, I didn't tell them, because truthfully, until just now, I forgot that I was Latin Club Prez. I love that these kids loved learning for the sake of learning. While I was teaching them useless information, if one of the kids were talking, I would stop, and the majority of the children in the room would turn on their peer, so that they could continue listening to me talk. Incredible. Talk about power HIGH!

Lunch occurred during this period. One boy gave me his Silk Vanilla Soy Milk. I loved him immediately. I love that soy milk.

Lunch in the classroom afforded me the opportunity to eavesdrop on the conversations of 12 year olds. One girl was talking about how she was reading a collection of articles on Time and Space from Time magazine. How appropriate. Twelve years old is about the right age of people that should read Time. Anyone who confesses to you that they read Time is 1) trying to impress, 2) stupid - try reading the NYer, ass. In fact, once, someone did brag to me about reading time, in the past year.... and I noted that Time Magazine is the publication that I would resort to using to wipe my bottom if ever there was a shortage of toilet paper in the bathroom.

Back to the conversations of twelve year old girls: gifted twelve year old girls talk about learning about themselves, black holes, and debate about how alien terrestrial life is entirely happening, even with no producable evidence. Not true, evidence: Madeliene L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time.

This was by all means A PLEASURE.

WORK, part II, first period and planning

I stand in front of the room, in front of 30 pairs of eyes and I introduce myself. I am astonished by the diversity in my classroom. When I went to school, I was one of 2 Asian kids, 3 Indian kids and the rest of my peers were white white snow white. Now, there was like.. maybe 60% minority or more.

I have some anxiety pronouncing names from the roll, but I enjoy letting the brown-nosers start rubbing against me. I pull out my secret weapon almost immediately. I announce that their work is actually a competition where the winners actually win Smarties and their pride. I know that this motivated me from the beginning of time, why should these kids be different?

There are two Asian boys in my classroom. My Asian radar rates them both Chinese positive. One boy is particularly cute, the artist. His juicy white cheeks are plump and I love him, just a little more than the others. I ask them if they are Chinese, he tells me he's Vietnamese. AWKWARD. Oh well. My Asian radar hasn't worked, ever.

I tell them to work in their groups, as I walk around checking their answers. What is a nicer way to tell the kids that they're wrong? I just tell them that they should look at the problems again if they are wrong. It is strange not to be able to someone like an adult, so I didn't. I just treated these kids like easily sway-able bribe-able adults.

They kept asking me questions about how do to the problems and I didn't know. Inside, I felt guilty, because I knew they had a test on Monday and I couldn't help them. Then, I realized that I was merely a substitute and I pulled out the best substitute cop out phrase - "Why don't we wait until tomorrow when your teacher comes back?" MWAHAHA.

That settled their questions quickly enough. I was lucky enough to teach sixth grade gifted students. Well-behaved with a hunger of knowledge, these children wanted to learn, and wouldn't know disrespect and disruption if it hit them on the head. One boy asked me if he could work on his worksheet with his friends. I replied, Why don't you just sit in your seat? He nodded, issue resolved. This happened throughout the day, where kids would want to do something, I would deny them, and they would accept it, all whilst thinking that I was the BEST SUBSTITUTE EVARRRR!!!~!~!~!!!

After first period came over an hour of planning where I didn't know what to do. No computer, no cell service, no habit of smoking, no particular addictions that needed to be immediately satisfied, I decided to do the worksheet that the kids were doing. Searching around the desk, I found an extra textbook and got working. After deriving out A=onethirdpirsquaredh, I realized that even though I hadn't done math in close to 5 years, I was in fact, not a retard. A relief, indeed.
By the time third period rolled around, I was ready, more so than before.

Christine goes to WORK, part I - pre-1st period.

The day finally came when I would be doing something that paid me money. $84 dollars for a full days work? Better than nothin'!

My teacher from middle school offered me the post of substitute teacher about 3 months ago and recently she delivered me clear directions on what we would be doing. Instead of a nice video of Bill Nye the Science Guy - we would be doing math problems. This makes since because she is a math teacher, but wasn't Bill awesome? The only show that was better was Beakman's World! Somehow I was under the impression that we would be doing 8th grade math, which is fine, because I didn't start failing mathematics until 11th grade = precalc. [Side: Failing Pre-calculus should have told me not to take AP Calc my senior year in high school - SHOULD HAVE. I blame it on peer pressure.]

In her email, she asked, "How is your math these days. [Specifically] volume and surface area." Confident in my ability to follow formulas, I prepared for substituting by showering the night before, packing a lunch, and buying a huge bag of Smarties to bribe the kids with. I don't know anyone that doesn't like tasty pure sugar.

Class started at a rather ambiguous time. It made me realize how long I had not been in middle school. Strange, considering my mental perception of myself is about 17. Anyway, I dress up. Business casual, since it's what I wear best. I knew that it was Friday and that the teachers would probably be wearing their casual best, but since I'm so young, I thought it would be best if I didn't look as young as the students that I would be substituting for. Plus, you never know if the teacher next door is going to be a fiiiiiiine man. Black dress, black cardigan, headband with flowers (the white one with peach and gold flowers), with a double strand of fresh water pearls. On my way out, I grabbed my red belt. No harm in showing my University affiliation. This is the state of Georgia after all. Showing my Georgia love will guarantee some immediate friends in any situation. I roll up to my alma mater, park in a random side lot, pray I don't get towed, pull out my black nylon duffle, check that my phone is off, lock my car and start walking toward the main entrance.

8:30 AM: Step - step - step - step - TRIP - nearly face plant - pick myself up and mutter REALLY?! under my breath. I look down and I've scraped my leg from knee to shin. Shallow cuts like paper cuts are burning and bleeding. Of course I didn't bring a first aid kid or any moisturizer. Blood is welling up in my wounds as I walk furtively back to my car. I cannot walk into middle school actively bleeding. At this point, I'm actively narrating my life and wondering if this is God's way of reminding me how fucking awkward middle school is and how is actually sucks. I blot my leg with a paper towel and begin my journey anew. Thankfully, no one saw me. Fergie's Clumsy is playing in my inner narrative.



8:40 AM: I sign in, and realize that I'm on the basement level with no cell phone service and no computer. No windows either. OH and I'm teaching 6th grade. 12 year olds that basically just out of elementary school.

8:50 AM: The classroom starts filling with students, none of which I make contact with. Let's not kid around, it's 8:50 AM and I am not friendly and will not be friendly until I have to be.

9:15 AM: A teacher befriends me, telling me about the delicious treats in the break room including cake, donuts, brownies, chips, fruit, snacks, coffee, tea, drinks. I debate with myself whether or not I should imbibe on delicious treats. I decide against it as the bell rings for class to start, surprisingly, all the students that were throwing things in the room actually are not in my first period class.

9:25 AM: Class actually starts, but not really. Everyone is supposed to be silently reading but me. Somehow, I can't concentrate on a bodice ripper in front of 30 pre-teen children. HA. I wish I was reading a bodice ripper, I checked out a Grisham for the express purpose of looking like a staid adult. The kids ask me if I speak Chinese, I affirm and slowly a plan starts to form on what I will be doing in the kids' free time after they finish their work.

errr.. by 9:35 AM: I realize that silent reading is a fail. In 20 mins, the students are supposed to be applying their knowledge on how to find surface area and area of three dimensional figures. I have no idea what is going on and my worksheets that I'm giving them only has answers. I pray that they don't ask real questions. I cut open my Smarties, ready to bribe the shit out of them. Kids are drawing on their dry erase boards. Some of them, one Vietnamese boy is particularly cute and great at drawing landscapes with a red marker. I mean.... like....... it looks like Van Gogh's Starry Night.

9:55 Class actually starts. I realize a few things. I am the same height now as I was in sixth grade. I can look kids in the eye, straight on. I am not used to yelling at people. I yell, sure, when intoxicated, but not AT people. Children no longer say the Pledge of Allegiance, and there are no morning announcements. Being called Miss Christine is hilarious. Thus begins my power trip.

Ad Attack - Schwepps?!

If you're just looking on, view the previous post of Nicole Kidman's Chanel No. 5 Commercial - then see this one. Shot in India, it features the girl from Slumdog that was allegedly about to be sold and has the same sort of tone as the Chanel commercial - with a twist.



Oh, Nicole. You used to be a spokesperson for a classy, old lady perfume. Now - soda? How the mighty have fallen.

Ad Attack! Chanel No 5

By now you just know I love a good advertisement!

Here is the extended Chanel No. 5 ad that came soon after Moulin Rouge, back when Nicole Kidman wasn't botox'd UP.



Directed by Baz Luhrman, same as Moulin Rouge, featuring Rodrigo Santoro, that hottay from Love Actually - Karl.

Now here is the newest ad from Chanel No. 5 featuring Audrey Tatou! Directed by the same director of Amelie (which I love), Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The man here is Travis Davenport, who is most notably, according to my google search, a model for Polo.




Kind of creepy, but I'm into it. I'd wish for him to sniff me too! Great images of Istanbul too!

Blog less, make more headbands?

Lately, I feel like I've been less committed to my blog than with thinking about making headbands... then - making them.

I've already made a few, now I've made a few more. I've decided to sell them for $10 bux each - I realize now that I can't be selfish and want to keep over 100 headbands. SO. If you see something you like, feel free to tell me and I'll reserve it for you. I haven't named them, I don't want to get too attached!









This is a detailed shot of the ornamentation! (Because it is my favorite!)

Three of the buttons headbands together: