I have the need for speed. Here's why, Officer.

I find that the speed limit in any given setting is a guideline for people that driving while under the influence of some sort of drug. That way, they know what speed they are supposed to go. For most people, if you aren't drunk, why worry?

Paranoia, that's why! Every time I step into my car, I have found myself thinking about what I would say to a police officer if I was to be pulled at THAT minute for speeding, because I do. Speeding is just a way of life, it's not necessarily bad, unless you're caught. No one is to blame but yourself.

Georgia's speeding and traffic laws are not as stringent as say, in D.C., but I believe preparedness is the key to life.

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Last year, around Christmastime, I was pulled over for going over 20 over in a 55 zone. Sigh. Panicking, I thought my life was over as I handed my license. Then, in a moment of potential glory, the officer asked me why I was in the area. Confused, I repeated his question. He responded with a question that sounded just like the last, except different. "Why are you in such a hurry?" This is Georgia, mind you. When I get nervous, accents inhibit my ability for comprehension.

OH. I took the time to look at my watch. My hands were shaking. The impending doom from my parents cast a shadow over my clarity of mind. Then, suddenly, it came to me. It was 12:40, I was about 25 miles away from Athens, it was Finals week at the UGA. and I looked like shit. The only problem was, it was a Saturday. How could I sell this?

I recalled a memory of my best friend's experience three years ago of a police officer pulling her over and letting her go on a warning on her way to Finals. This could work. I had to be honest. Honesty is the best policy. I took a breath and then ...

I lied like a dog. I explained to the kind officer that I was late to a 1 o'clock final. It was Saturday, but I had been sick for the week and my professor was kind enough to let me come on a Saturday to take it. Recalling the same friend who missed a final and had a professor let her re-take it on another day, I knew this was at least possible. He looked at my drivers' license and back to my face. He asked me if my address on my license was current. Currently residing at my parents' house, I agreed readily.

I live just close enough for this all to make sense. He nodded, then walked away. I put my head on the steering wheel and prayed. He came back with a small slip of paper that was a warning.

I sighed, thanked the officer, then pulled away.

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Now, I know that this was not a circumstance that I could use again. I thank my lucky stars and set cruise control as much as possible. BUT, I do mostly drive whatever speed I think is appropriate, which is sometimes slightly more than 10 mph over the limit. Hmm.. these are ones that I could think of that might seem plausible.

1. Everyone has thought of explosive diarrhea at one point or another. This is just gross and I'm sure the cop might actually laugh at you. So... this isn't 1. These are speeding only. I am against DUI.

1. Allergic reaction. Quickly rub your mouth raw, scrub your nose and poke yourself in the eyes. You need to run home before you lose your ability to breathe. You have emergency steroid medication for just this purpose, but at home (or in the direction where you're going!)
2. .................... OK. That's all I have. I'm screwed. That's why I wrote this blog. Help a paranoid sister out!